“An apple a day won’t actually keep the doctor away… But it could land you a few more appointments with the nurse.”
What started off as a personal blog about some of the struggles I’ve faced and overcome when battling with anorexia from 2015, has turned into my own personal space to voice anything I consider particular noteworthy to publish. The frequency of my posts in the last couple of years speaks for itself. I no longer consider myself to be in that place and my posts will I hope now reflect that. Expect life, work and relationship rants, sandwiched together with a lot of talk about running. Some thing just don’t change.
If you end up finding yourself years deep into my blog, searching for a way to recover from an eating disorder, then I apologise now, because you won’t find it here.
I don’t claim to make this website about recovery because straight to the point, I don’t think there is one such way to recover for anyone. My blog for me, was 100% what triggered the start of the recovery process, as I began voicing what had been happening to me and recording all the small, medium and large hurdles along the way. I am forever thankful to my doctor for suggesting this to me. It changed my life.
So, some background…
Having optionally chosen to be brought up in an athletics world, which I was introduced to and exceeded at to a modest level from a young age; combined with the ever growing pressure for everyone to look, eat and exercise a certain way; and the anorexia my family had to devastatingly see my sister endure for some years, I was almost destined for such concerning relationships with food and exercise.
Back in 2014 and mid-way through my first year of university, I began to take a downward turn towards obsessive behaviour with my weight and body image. I’d never conceded much to the pressure of looking a certain way while being in the athletic world, regardless to having received many indirect comments about the benefits it could have brought to my performance.
It would probably be borderline impossible for me to distinguish exactly what my trigger was and when that trigger was, or started to be, established, but the three years from 2015 – 2017 saw what was undoubtedly the most challenging years of my life.
I’d always hated my appearance and would constantly pick apart areas of my body that wasn’t good enough and desperately needed attention. While many people would feel similarly, I saw any part of fat on my body as negative yet equally complained when muscle would show, but unfortunately my hate brought me face on with a doctor, as I sat in front of her as an anorexic outpatient in a hospital.
I believed, for many years, that I wouldn’t be taken seriously until I reached a certain number on the scales. Even now, I still believe I had somewhat failed at anorexia because other sufferers had their lowest weight reach a kg that if my body reached, it would no doubt have failed and killed me.
I’ve no doubt come a very long way in the years that followed and I have stayed true to my blog and its tagline, having since stamped my recovery by means of a small apple tattoo located on my inner arm. A symbol that resonates with everything I’ve been through and marks the period of time that I felt out of the other end. The apple for me, not only reflects on my absolute love for the things, but because at one point in my life, I really was just following the familiar phrase, eating just one apple a day at the disorder’s worst.
I’ve succeeded in being a better runner that I never thought I’d be after gaining weight and have since raised over £1000 to the charity that saw me through all of this, Beat. I have built up relationships with so many different types of food again and found a balance between depriving and gorging. I’ve fought off toxic friendships and relationships that triggered negative thoughts and found even better ones along the way.
In essence, I am a better, stronger, happier version of the person I ever thought I’d be and this part of my life seems somewhat surreal.
Though I don’t think an eating disorder ever quite leaves you, knowing how to silence the voice when it starts getting loud, is what I have learned through all this.
Now, get on out and enjoy the posts.