Poo references aside, I’d probably describe my reaction to any sort of compliment given to me, to be similar to that of a turtle – withdrawing their head from the outside world back into their shell after feeling threatened by some sort of loud noise. So if for some beknown reason, you feel compelled to give me a compliment, just prepare to expect a top-end turtle head, with a side portion of awkward gawking.
The above analogy remains just as true to this day as when it did all those months ago, when I actually showed enough remnant of muscle and fat in my butt cheeks for it to even be complimented on. The only difference now being that in addition to the awkward turtle, my distorted mentalities reject any such comments that are implied as flattery, to be misconstrued as unintentional insults. Aside from the obvious “Katie-you’re-chocolate-fudge-millionaire-shortbread-bite-bakes-are-amazing” compliments, which I can still easily accept with a goofy grin, I am of course referring to any body shape comments made towards me, that I find so difficult to accept as complimentary.
It seems as if in the last week, the classic “You’re looking well” comment has been probing at me from all angles and recently has been following me around better than what my shadow has. Seeing as we live in England, and summer seems to have come and gone, back in what should’ve been our winter months, my milk bottle body hasn’t exactly absorbed enough British sun to be classified as “looking well” from the tanned point of view. Even though I’m fighting a persistent and tiring battle with my mum that this just isn’t the case, I can’t help but think this is people’s polite way of pointing out an excessive amount of weight gain I’m now exposing and I’m actually just this smiling and laughing, walking and talking hippo again.
When I reflect on what little fuel I was feeding my body with up to only a couple of months ago, I can of course expect that the warm welcome of food now is greeted by my digestive system with greedy open arms and will cling on to whatever it gets for dear life. Weight gain was always going to be inevitable and essential, so as difficult and upsetting as it has been to accept such comments from onlookers, I know they are only meant as a positive compliment and should see it more as “looking less ill”, as opposed to thinking I’m getting fat.
Weight gain aside, carrying out most days with a smile on my face, a slight spring in my step and enough energy to actually get through the day has definitely outweighed the almighty struggle that the previous months were with little or next to no food at a lesser weight.
The fear of gaining weight and losing those thoughts telling me that I need to be thin is still mountanously high, but happiness, positivity and food satisfaction is so far, much further in the lead than feeling depressed, lost and emaciated.
But please let’s just for the meantime pretend you can’t see those avocados I’ve been eating, appearing in the form of flesh around the bones in my upper arms because I’m still so far from being ready to accept body change as a compliment! (Any other compliments welcome, though…)