… Or just plain stupid?
If my watch had a voice, it would’ve told me long ago that it was too exasperated to keep tallying all the minutes and miles I’d insist upon making it calculate day in, day out, and just to generally pipe down with all the incessant running.
Prepare for some serious complex equations:
kg = km = K.B
So the K.B was just a conveniently alliterative addition to the stand alone ‘sum’, kg = km, I so wittily just added. But when compiled together, these formed my weekly abiding targets; with kg being kilograms, km being kilometres, and K.B. if you hadn’t already guessed; my initials (which really doesn’t hold any significance to the targets, except just that my first name begins with a K too).
The extra addition of miles/kilometres and general trips to the gym into my lifestyle, wouldn’t have initiated any sudden head turns or cause for concern; because unfortunately, why would it? I had pretty much already adopted the uniquely inventive title of ‘that girl that always runs’, the instant I put my foot in an Asics trainer countless years ago; so why now would a few extra miles, arouse any remote suspicion. Exaggerated by the fact I’d always opted to be that annoying person that uploads maps of their long runs; I would’ve been making it exceptionally difficult for people to have marked any out of the ordinary behavior over the last year anyway. The only difference now being, is that I didn’t revolve these prolonged, gruelling and exhausting sessions around my life; instead my life was now revolved around indisputably completing such sessions. Though I still try to avoid admitting, I sometimes felt forced to push back, or even neglect, my already established social plans and infrequently, I would omit to attending my university lectures because my once considered priorities were no longer; and were dominated by these new, distorted priorities. If there was any one problem (besides clearly hindering my degree), through no fault of their own, would be how seemingly impressed people were with the sort of times I was producing for these lengthy distances; of course, unbeknown to them that I was caught in a complete mile obsessed, calorie burning, weight losing, mind-set. I was just that runner who upped her miles a bit (…okay, a lot), lost a bit of weight, procured a ‘better’ shape relative to a distance physique, and was just now able to run a sub 85 minute half marathon.
Unfortunately, behind the Map my Run uploads, improved times and Lycra sports clothing, I was being governed by an irrational voice; convincing me that unless the km I accumulated whilst running, each week, exceeded or equalled my weight in kg, I’d have not accomplished what I should have done for that week– hence the dawning of ‘km = kg’. On a daily basis, I was unwillingly grounding my knees, limbs and general physiology, through 8km-10km runs; conjoined with cross training/cycle rides at the gym and tri-weekly netball (that I was inevitably deteriorating at) in order to comply with, and satisfy, the inner voice of irrationality.
From running and general exercise participation being something of which I enjoyed and looked forward to, it was soon becoming laden with tainted thinking. Exercise was only endured to avoid what felt like the unearned right to eat food that day, and for a very prolonged time (often still undeniably felt now), a day of not burning calories not accounted by my BMR, would leave me feeling uneasy, guilty, and undeserving of calorie consumption; in the complete fear of gaining weight.
Though it would seem almost transparent to an onlooker, that reducing the amount of exercise I do would no doubt aid in the recovery process and weight gain; but this would somehow be like attempting to run before I can walk… pun totally intended.
Endorphins are a wonderful thing, and exercise still remains the greatest dependence for the release of mine, but why the sudden digression from exercise previously being so negatively tainted over the last year, to now being something that makes me happy again, in more recent weeks? Spontaneity! What once would have caused the anxiety cauldron to boil over, I now try to implement fresh, creative ways to incorporate exercise; that doesn’t involve exponentially growing miles! Relinquishing the control over the exercise I do and participating in grouped sessions has also been a blessing, in a not so disguised; Orange Theory studio, motivating me through a microphone, chuckling as I attempt, what has been a bewildering entity for me in recent months… weights! (I by no means have any unearthing desire to accomplish any more than the 2kg I can currently curl… That isn’t quite the path for me)
Of course, I’m on a mission to conquer an eating disorder here, so where do the baby steps over hurdles come in to effect…?
…By persevering to eliminate ‘I’ve exercised, therefore I can eat’ to replace with ‘I’ve eaten, therefore I can exercise.’ Because at the end of the day, we’re not superhuman (as much as an anorexic like to believe they are) and my lifestyle was evidently unsustainable, becoming increasingly unbearable and was no doubt on course for a doomed conclusion!
Plus; exercising with more energy acquired by the slightly increased food in my diet now, feels a hell of a lot better!